PETA Blames Accounting Industry For Cruel Treatment of Baby Cows

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APRIL 14, 2014–PETA launches new campaign to promote awareness for the unethical treatment of baby cows in the accounting industry after inside sources leaked information about these innocent creatures being milked for all they’re worth.

“Something needed to be done to unveil the truly horrific practices that go unnoticed to people who are bad with numbers and avoid the accounting world altogether”, says Paul Greensworth.  Paul pioneered the accounting industry segment of PETA after witnessing a calf stewing in its own stench during a meeting with his tax accountant.

Ambitious calves raised on Princeton Reviewed pastures come out with a very different picture of what life is going to be like once they’re shipped off to work.  “These creatures are lured into the industry with the incentive of being able to pay off their pasture loans quickly, given the practicality of an accounting career in this fickle economy,” cow whisperer Gertrude Winnebega channels. “These grassy fields make no mention of eighty hour work weeks let alone the loss of other barnyard friends outside the gates of the The Big 4 farms”.

Leaked sources say these twentysomething calves are force-fed junk on the company’s expense then herded into small conference rooms where they are unable to move for extended periods of time, resulting in weakened muscles, yet an unbelievably tender cut of veal.

“Gym memberships collect dust, leading to muscle breakdown. A crime by nature, but apparently a tenderizing accelerant for those executive, meat-loving SOBs”, Ralph Bugsby concludes after years of self-conducted research.  Ralph lurks around the shadows of The Big 4 Farms at night, taking out the trash and pretending the stowed handles of vodka aren’t fire hazards.

Will this new campaign be the saving grace these baby cows need to transform the accounting industry into a vegetarian society?  At the very least, will these calves get offices with frozen yogurt bars and paid overtime?  Or will Corporate America continue to capitalize on these premium menu items?

Connie Lingisse, veal picatta connoisseur doesn’t think the campaign will have much of an impact.  “I mean, every time I get intimate with a piece of veal, all I can taste is a million bucks.  Who doesn’t like the taste of money?”

“Sure, there are always going to be hussies after meat.  But our hope is to send a message to the world that the calves in the accounting industry are living creatures,” Greensworth adds.  No doubt this campaign will elicit the most interest the accounting world has seen in years.

A Woman's Guide To Tinder

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You wanna know why your Tinder gets less action than a white crayon? For starters, it probably has something to do with that flagship picture of you and your friend with the “great personality” wearing bridesmaid dresses and pearls. 

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was a Tinder expert in my swiping heyday.  Every now and then I get back on to rattle the cages, but for the most part, I feel it is time to pass the knowledge of my success on to the women who still seek out the red flame.

1. Picture order is a science

Follow this regimen and I guarantee your message box will floweth ever-so abundantly.

#1 - A picture that evokes enough curiosity to go through the rest of your pictures.  And I’m not talking about an obscurely angled cleavage pic.

 #2 - A picture where you look hot with a couple other hot friends.  Men need to know that their friends have options too in this “relationship”.

 #3 - A personality pic.  Note: this is only necessary if you have a personality.

 #4 - A hobby pic. Ladies, this is your opportunity to show that you've run a 5k or have stepped foot in the wilderness, if only for the photo opp.

 #5 - The best picture you have of yourself. Like what your parents have framed in your house.

 #6 - People who use all their picture slots are overzealous.  5 says it all. 6 says you’re desperate.

2. Pictures can't talk

While I've never spent ample time swiping through female Tinder profiles, I've heard it’s pretty much the same thing as reading Chicken Soup for the Marilyn Monroe Lovers Soul.  Live, laugh, love and all that crap. Look, I get it. Not everyone is witty or good with words.  And yeah, Marilyn Monroe was a sex icon, but for the love of fro-yo, whatever you do, don’t leave your profile blank.

3. Be honest with yourself

Are you using Tinder as a gateway drug to bigger things like OkCupid or Are you really  the kind of girl who would meet up with a guy just for sex? Knowing the answers to these questions is important in knowing your Tinder game.

4. Have a Tinder game

Those who Tinder aimlessly, shouldn't Tinder at all.  There are better outlets for a confidence boost, like watching My 600lb Life.

5. Your number is a temple

Covet it and unveil it to only the most eligible suitors.  Women who abundantly toss their phone numbers out into the abyss of the online dating world are the prostitutes of the digital age.  And as a result, guys are getting lazy–thinking they can jump from a "What's up" straight to a "We should meet up".  Please, demand a higher level of impressionability before you go spreading your emojis far and wide.

Bonus Rule: If you do reach the point of a number exchange, never take a guys number. I like to be a steadfast bitch and tell them this, straight up. (This tip may or may not have been extracted from the movie He's Just Not That Into You.)

6. Research: it's not just for scientists

It's crucial to get a 360° idea of this dude before you meet up and embark down the delicate path of pretending like you're ready to pay for half the drink bill.  You don't need to ask a guy for his last name.  You’re not interested in marrying him; you’re interested in seeing him in pictures without his sunglasses.  Doing so requiresat least one of the following bits of information: hometown, college attended/year graduated, current city, place of employment.  You can literally find anyone on the internet with this knowledge AND the answers to these questions can all be obtained nonchalantly via casual conversation. So, you can pretend like you're not a stalker!

7. Speak, damn it!

Women who wait for the guy to say something first deserve the generic "hello" that they're gonna get.  I like to take matters into my own hands and throw them something that will really test their personalities.  You want to beat them to the punch and gain control over the conversation.  Size 'em up. Show those potatoes how you mash, or something? 

There is no right way to Tinder, but there is a difference between a Tinder Trixie and a Tinder Vixen.  While I really have no authority in proclaiming myself the latter, I will say that I have yet to miss a match since I've adopted these rules.  Whether or not men respond well to my communication efforts is an entirely different story, which is why I have been vague in my actual conversation suggestions.

I wish you the best of luck in your Tinder endeavors and may the swiping odds be ever in your favor.