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APRIL 14, 2014–PETA launches new campaign to promote awareness for the unethical treatment of baby cows in the accounting industry after inside sources leaked information about these innocent creatures being milked for all they’re worth.
“Something needed to be done to unveil the truly horrific practices that go unnoticed to people who are bad with numbers and avoid the accounting world altogether”, says Paul Greensworth. Paul pioneered the accounting industry segment of PETA after witnessing a calf stewing in its own stench during a meeting with his tax accountant.
Ambitious calves raised on Princeton Reviewed pastures come out with a very different picture of what life is going to be like once they’re shipped off to work. “These creatures are lured into the industry with the incentive of being able to pay off their pasture loans quickly, given the practicality of an accounting career in this fickle economy,” cow whisperer Gertrude Winnebega channels. “These grassy fields make no mention of eighty hour work weeks let alone the loss of other barnyard friends outside the gates of the The Big 4 farms”.
Leaked sources say these twentysomething calves are force-fed junk on the company’s expense then herded into small conference rooms where they are unable to move for extended periods of time, resulting in weakened muscles, yet an unbelievably tender cut of veal.
“Gym memberships collect dust, leading to muscle breakdown. A crime by nature, but apparently a tenderizing accelerant for those executive, meat-loving SOBs”, Ralph Bugsby concludes after years of self-conducted research. Ralph lurks around the shadows of The Big 4 Farms at night, taking out the trash and pretending the stowed handles of vodka aren’t fire hazards.
Will this new campaign be the saving grace these baby cows need to transform the accounting industry into a vegetarian society? At the very least, will these calves get offices with frozen yogurt bars and paid overtime? Or will Corporate America continue to capitalize on these premium menu items?
Connie Lingisse, veal picatta connoisseur doesn’t think the campaign will have much of an impact. “I mean, every time I get intimate with a piece of veal, all I can taste is a million bucks. Who doesn’t like the taste of money?”
“Sure, there are always going to be hussies after meat. But our hope is to send a message to the world that the calves in the accounting industry are living creatures,” Greensworth adds. No doubt this campaign will elicit the most interest the accounting world has seen in years.