Serial Killer

CAST

Gary- late 20’s

Clara - mid 20’s

Waitress- early 20’s

 

(Sitting at a table on a first date. Gary is finishing up a story.)

GARY

--So she goes to pour herself a bowl and nothing comes out of the box and she’s like, “Gary, you’re such a cereal killer!”

            (Gary laughs at himself.)

Because, I killed it. I finished the Special K...cereal.

(Clara smiles reluctantly. She starts to look around.)      

 CLARA

No. Yeah. I get it.

GARY

(Awkwardly defensive.)

I’m not actually a serial--

CLARA

--Oh no, you don’t fit the profile at all.

GARY

            (Taken aback)

Profile?

(Waitress enters with food.)

                CLARA

I’ve been watching a lot of serial killer documentaries on Netflix. It’s sort of my guilty pleasure.

WAITRESS

Serial killers?

                CLARA

Yeahhh.

                WAITRESS

Oh no it’s cool. Me too. Have you seen the one about H.H. Holmes?

CLARA

Devil in the White City is a masterpiece.

(Gary sips his drink and watches.)

                WAITRESS

He’s not even my favorite.

                CLARA

And why would he be? There’s so many good ones. Gary Ridgway, Ted Bundy...

                CLARA AND WAITRESS

John Wayne Gacy

(They laugh.)

GARY

                (Trying to include himself.)

That guy who liked to eat little boys!

                (The girls ignore him.)

                WAITRESS

I mean those guys are all great, but I’m more interested in the lower yield, underground serial killers. You probably wouldn’t know them.

                CLARA

            (Slightly defensive)

Well, I’m kind of an expert on this topic, so try me.

                WAITRESS

Well, you know there’s the obvious guys: Hal Bugsby, Clarence Shmageddin’. But the guy I’m really getting into lately is John Rafferty. You know–Jonny Junk-In-The-Trunk.

(Gary shakes the ice in his cup, trying to draw attention.)

                CLARA

Hmm. I’ve never heard of him.

                WAITRESS

I’m not surprised. He was an accomplice to Hairy-Back Sanders in the 1980’s. His genius was totally overshadowed.

                GARY

Can I get some more water, please?

                (They ignore Gary.)

 

                CLARA

Well, I’ve actually been researching international serial killers lately, so that’s probably why he hasn’t been on my radar.

 

                WAITRESS

Yeah, it hard to keep up on both global and national scales. That’s why I have the DK Encyclopedia of Serial Killers.

                

 

                CLARA

            (Passive Aggressive)

Oh yeah, I remember that. I memorized it cover to cover when I was eleven. It’s a good resource when you’re starting out.

 

                WAITRESS

Well, you can’t really know serial killers until you date one.

 

                CLARA

I mean, why do think I’m here with Gary?

 

                GARY

But you said I didn’t fit the prof--

 

CLARA

Shut up Gary.

 

WAITRESS

He looks like a decent starter. Reminds me of my fourth S-K-B-F. That’s serial killer boyfriend.

 

                CLARA

Excuse me, Gary here is from Ohio. He drives a rusted Chevy van. What more could you ask for?

 

                GARY

Ladies, if I may--

 

WAITRESS

He’s just no Zodiac Killer, that’s all. He probably can’t even kill a fly.

 

                GARY

Killing bugs has nothing to do with my masculinity!

 

                CLARA

Gary would totally kill somebody.


 

                WAITRESS

Please. He wouldn’t know the difference between a chainsaw and a pencil sharpener.

 

                CLARA

Are you kidding, look at how he holds his fork and knife. Those hands are seasoned in weaponry.

 

                GARY

I do carve a mean Thanksgiving Turk--

 

                CLARA AND WAITRESS

CAN IT GARY!

 

                WAITRESS

Look, I know what I’m talking about. I teach a local park district class on identifying serial killers.

 

                CLARA

Well, those who can’t do, teach.

 

                GARY

            (Attempting to be funny)

What a coincidence! I used to teach robotic--

 

                WAITRESS

I stare at strangers in elevators!

 

                CLARA

My basement smells like bleach!

 

                WAITRESS

I sleep with a set of steel cutlery!

 

                CLARA

I already planned out my serial rampage!

                

                WAITRESS

I HAVE BODIES IN MY YARD, BITCH!

(A moment of silence. Gary stands up and pulls out his wallet.)

 

                GARY

Here. This should cover the bill. I have to go change my phone number.

 

                (Gary exits.)

 

                CLARA

Well, that was fun!

 

                WAITRESS

He held on wayy too long.

 

CLARA

Whatever, free meal!

 

                (Blackout.)

 

The Lifecycle of a Taylor Swift Song

It is a fact - Taylor Swift is an unstoppable force. You can peg yourself as being above her, but in reality, there is no act of musical valor that can completely shut her out. The only thing you can do is learn to accept the inevitable lifecycle of a Taylor Swift song:

  1. Oh no, she’s at it again. What’s this? A pop number? Wasn’t she just in a denim gown, heading off to prom in a Chevy? How did yet another musical abomination slip through the cracks? C’mon Pharrell, P Diddy, Randy Jackson - do your job!
  2. You’re driving around flipping through radio stations and whoop! There it is. A catchy beat layered with that sweet, yet auto-tuned voice. Before changing the station you pause to listen for a moment, making absolutely sure that this is, in fact, Taylor Swift’s new song. Suddenly, the whiny bridge kicks in with lyrics about an ex-boyfriend. It’s like a haiku written by a 3rd grader - classic T.Swift.  
  3. You’re driving around flipping through radio stations and whoop! There it is, again. A catchy beat layered with that sweet, yet auto-tuned voice. Except this time, you listen to it. You listen to the whole thing. MAYBE you even switch to a different station where it happens to be playing again.
  4. It’s a Tuesday morning. You’re getting ready for work. As you brush your teeth with the electric toothbrush you got last Christmas, the vibrations begin to resemble a certain country-slash-pop ditty. You rinse. You spit.  And then you belt it out like it’s 1998 and you’re Shania Twain.
  5. Pretty soon this song becomes your motivational “screw you, human-with-a-penis” anthem. Because if nothing else, a Taylor Swift song gives you the confidence to face the world, despite the fact that you haven’t had reason to shave in the past month.
  6. A void emerges when you don’t have access to this song at any moment in time. You give in and buy Spotify Premium...
  7. ...BUT WAIT. You can’t listen to this horrendous three minutes and forty-seven seconds of garbage because little Miss I’m-Still-Human-Enough-To-Laugh-At-Myself took a bite out of a Georgia peach and crapped out a pile of entitlement atop her redundant love lyrics.
  8. In an act of defiance, you risk going over your monthly data plan by pulling up the song on YouTube, because your $1.29 is better spent on 5.15 gumballs than this Cowgirl Barbie. More importantly, who actually pays for music anymore?
  9. Just as you’re about to post a self-deprecating tweet about your T.Swift sorrows, you stumble upon the adorable advertisement of Taylor Swift drinking Diet Coke and magically producing a room full of kittens. Suddenly your half-baked anger escapes you, and your life resumes without constant thoughts of Taylor Swift.
  10. Six months later, Taylor Swift comes out with a new song (probably about a kitten that symbolically justifies her rights as a musician). REPEAT CYCLE

You can collect vinyl, you can worship Wu Tang, but this cycle plagues even the most musically eclectic folk. The only solution is to just Shake It Off.