Serial Killer

CAST

Gary- late 20’s

Clara - mid 20’s

Waitress- early 20’s

 

(Sitting at a table on a first date. Gary is finishing up a story.)

GARY

--So she goes to pour herself a bowl and nothing comes out of the box and she’s like, “Gary, you’re such a cereal killer!”

            (Gary laughs at himself.)

Because, I killed it. I finished the Special K...cereal.

(Clara smiles reluctantly. She starts to look around.)      

 CLARA

No. Yeah. I get it.

GARY

(Awkwardly defensive.)

I’m not actually a serial--

CLARA

--Oh no, you don’t fit the profile at all.

GARY

            (Taken aback)

Profile?

(Waitress enters with food.)

                CLARA

I’ve been watching a lot of serial killer documentaries on Netflix. It’s sort of my guilty pleasure.

WAITRESS

Serial killers?

                CLARA

Yeahhh.

                WAITRESS

Oh no it’s cool. Me too. Have you seen the one about H.H. Holmes?

CLARA

Devil in the White City is a masterpiece.

(Gary sips his drink and watches.)

                WAITRESS

He’s not even my favorite.

                CLARA

And why would he be? There’s so many good ones. Gary Ridgway, Ted Bundy...

                CLARA AND WAITRESS

John Wayne Gacy

(They laugh.)

GARY

                (Trying to include himself.)

That guy who liked to eat little boys!

                (The girls ignore him.)

                WAITRESS

I mean those guys are all great, but I’m more interested in the lower yield, underground serial killers. You probably wouldn’t know them.

                CLARA

            (Slightly defensive)

Well, I’m kind of an expert on this topic, so try me.

                WAITRESS

Well, you know there’s the obvious guys: Hal Bugsby, Clarence Shmageddin’. But the guy I’m really getting into lately is John Rafferty. You know–Jonny Junk-In-The-Trunk.

(Gary shakes the ice in his cup, trying to draw attention.)

                CLARA

Hmm. I’ve never heard of him.

                WAITRESS

I’m not surprised. He was an accomplice to Hairy-Back Sanders in the 1980’s. His genius was totally overshadowed.

                GARY

Can I get some more water, please?

                (They ignore Gary.)

 

                CLARA

Well, I’ve actually been researching international serial killers lately, so that’s probably why he hasn’t been on my radar.

 

                WAITRESS

Yeah, it hard to keep up on both global and national scales. That’s why I have the DK Encyclopedia of Serial Killers.

                

 

                CLARA

            (Passive Aggressive)

Oh yeah, I remember that. I memorized it cover to cover when I was eleven. It’s a good resource when you’re starting out.

 

                WAITRESS

Well, you can’t really know serial killers until you date one.

 

                CLARA

I mean, why do think I’m here with Gary?

 

                GARY

But you said I didn’t fit the prof--

 

CLARA

Shut up Gary.

 

WAITRESS

He looks like a decent starter. Reminds me of my fourth S-K-B-F. That’s serial killer boyfriend.

 

                CLARA

Excuse me, Gary here is from Ohio. He drives a rusted Chevy van. What more could you ask for?

 

                GARY

Ladies, if I may--

 

WAITRESS

He’s just no Zodiac Killer, that’s all. He probably can’t even kill a fly.

 

                GARY

Killing bugs has nothing to do with my masculinity!

 

                CLARA

Gary would totally kill somebody.


 

                WAITRESS

Please. He wouldn’t know the difference between a chainsaw and a pencil sharpener.

 

                CLARA

Are you kidding, look at how he holds his fork and knife. Those hands are seasoned in weaponry.

 

                GARY

I do carve a mean Thanksgiving Turk--

 

                CLARA AND WAITRESS

CAN IT GARY!

 

                WAITRESS

Look, I know what I’m talking about. I teach a local park district class on identifying serial killers.

 

                CLARA

Well, those who can’t do, teach.

 

                GARY

            (Attempting to be funny)

What a coincidence! I used to teach robotic--

 

                WAITRESS

I stare at strangers in elevators!

 

                CLARA

My basement smells like bleach!

 

                WAITRESS

I sleep with a set of steel cutlery!

 

                CLARA

I already planned out my serial rampage!

                

                WAITRESS

I HAVE BODIES IN MY YARD, BITCH!

(A moment of silence. Gary stands up and pulls out his wallet.)

 

                GARY

Here. This should cover the bill. I have to go change my phone number.

 

                (Gary exits.)

 

                CLARA

Well, that was fun!

 

                WAITRESS

He held on wayy too long.

 

CLARA

Whatever, free meal!

 

                (Blackout.)