CAST
Gary- late 20’s
Clara - mid 20’s
Waitress- early 20’s
(Sitting at a table on a first date. Gary is finishing up a story.)
GARY
--So she goes to pour herself a bowl and nothing comes out of the box and she’s like, “Gary, you’re such a cereal killer!”
(Gary laughs at himself.)
Because, I killed it. I finished the Special K...cereal.
(Clara smiles reluctantly. She starts to look around.)
CLARA
No. Yeah. I get it.
GARY
(Awkwardly defensive.)
I’m not actually a serial--
CLARA
--Oh no, you don’t fit the profile at all.
GARY
(Taken aback)
Profile?
(Waitress enters with food.)
CLARA
I’ve been watching a lot of serial killer documentaries on Netflix. It’s sort of my guilty pleasure.
WAITRESS
Serial killers?
CLARA
Yeahhh.
WAITRESS
Oh no it’s cool. Me too. Have you seen the one about H.H. Holmes?
CLARA
Devil in the White City is a masterpiece.
(Gary sips his drink and watches.)
WAITRESS
He’s not even my favorite.
CLARA
And why would he be? There’s so many good ones. Gary Ridgway, Ted Bundy...
CLARA AND WAITRESS
John Wayne Gacy
(They laugh.)
GARY
(Trying to include himself.)
That guy who liked to eat little boys!
(The girls ignore him.)
WAITRESS
I mean those guys are all great, but I’m more interested in the lower yield, underground serial killers. You probably wouldn’t know them.
CLARA
(Slightly defensive)
Well, I’m kind of an expert on this topic, so try me.
WAITRESS
Well, you know there’s the obvious guys: Hal Bugsby, Clarence Shmageddin’. But the guy I’m really getting into lately is John Rafferty. You know–Jonny Junk-In-The-Trunk.
(Gary shakes the ice in his cup, trying to draw attention.)
CLARA
Hmm. I’ve never heard of him.
WAITRESS
I’m not surprised. He was an accomplice to Hairy-Back Sanders in the 1980’s. His genius was totally overshadowed.
GARY
Can I get some more water, please?
(They ignore Gary.)
CLARA
Well, I’ve actually been researching international serial killers lately, so that’s probably why he hasn’t been on my radar.
WAITRESS
Yeah, it hard to keep up on both global and national scales. That’s why I have the DK Encyclopedia of Serial Killers.
CLARA
(Passive Aggressive)
Oh yeah, I remember that. I memorized it cover to cover when I was eleven. It’s a good resource when you’re starting out.
WAITRESS
Well, you can’t really know serial killers until you date one.
CLARA
I mean, why do think I’m here with Gary?
GARY
But you said I didn’t fit the prof--
CLARA
Shut up Gary.
WAITRESS
He looks like a decent starter. Reminds me of my fourth S-K-B-F. That’s serial killer boyfriend.
CLARA
Excuse me, Gary here is from Ohio. He drives a rusted Chevy van. What more could you ask for?
GARY
Ladies, if I may--
WAITRESS
He’s just no Zodiac Killer, that’s all. He probably can’t even kill a fly.
GARY
Killing bugs has nothing to do with my masculinity!
CLARA
Gary would totally kill somebody.
WAITRESS
Please. He wouldn’t know the difference between a chainsaw and a pencil sharpener.
CLARA
Are you kidding, look at how he holds his fork and knife. Those hands are seasoned in weaponry.
GARY
I do carve a mean Thanksgiving Turk--
CLARA AND WAITRESS
CAN IT GARY!
WAITRESS
Look, I know what I’m talking about. I teach a local park district class on identifying serial killers.
CLARA
Well, those who can’t do, teach.
GARY
(Attempting to be funny)
What a coincidence! I used to teach robotic--
WAITRESS
I stare at strangers in elevators!
CLARA
My basement smells like bleach!
WAITRESS
I sleep with a set of steel cutlery!
CLARA
I already planned out my serial rampage!
WAITRESS
I HAVE BODIES IN MY YARD, BITCH!
(A moment of silence. Gary stands up and pulls out his wallet.)
GARY
Here. This should cover the bill. I have to go change my phone number.
(Gary exits.)
CLARA
Well, that was fun!
WAITRESS
He held on wayy too long.
CLARA
Whatever, free meal!
(Blackout.)